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Sheila Burke's Column
ME: “I’m going to the bank…do you need anything?”
Shane: “Um, yeah…can you get me some money so I can do Christmas shopping for you? Or should I just use the credit card?”
See, we’ve been married for 20 years. In that time, the only reason Shanes’ actually been INSIDE the bank is to sign papers for house loans. I seriously don’t think he’s ever actually gone to a teller and DID THE banking. Oh wait! Once, (I think after I had delivered one of the kids) he was forced to go in there. We probably needed money to eat or something….I was probably sore from spittin out a kid….and he probably couldn’t wait another week til I could get up and go myself. Anyhow…They checked his ID because even though we’d banked there for years, none of the tellers had ever seen him.
So I came home and gave him some money. And then we had ‘the conversation‘.
“Here’s the money. There’s a lot extra for gas and stuff throughout the week…because technically you should only need like $20 for my gift. ALL I WANT is a yoga mat and some yoga blocks. That’s ALL I want. That’s IT. I mean it! JUST the yoga stuff. Actually, you can just get it at KMart. I’ve seen them there. That should be very easy for you.”
“Okeeeeey. I might go shopping after looking at the flyers on Sunday.” (he had that look in his eyes like he had a fabulous plan)
“No, I mean it! That’s really ALL I want. Don’t get me a bunch of little ceramic chotchkies that I have to dust. Don’t buy me any sweaters. No shoes. No shirts. No pants. No COATS. AND NO junk. ”
He looked stunned. But…..I need to be specific. See, a couple years ago, Shane decided to do ALL his shopping for me at WALGREENS. Nope, that does not say WalMART. It does in fact say WalGREENS. Which, if you don’t know, is a drugstore chain. I remember him saying he was going shopping and he was back in like 45 minutes. At the time I asked…’did you forget something?’. ‘No’, he says, ‘I’m DONE!’
Um yeah. That year I unwrapped lots of crap. Lots of little ceramic ‘things’. Ring holders (I barely ever wear jewelry, and usually only 1-2 rings which I don’t take off), nearly a dozen little knick-knacks, and hideous candles. Candles that are shaped like Christmas characters. One’s with no base so they have to be lit on tin foil to catch the wax….and watched so the damn house doesn’t burn to the ground. Then there’s the candle holders that are ‘festive’ and hold a little tiny tea light candle. I think there were like 3 of those. Ironically, one of the last knick-knacks still left just fell off a shelf last week and broke. I had no choice but to throw it out. Oops.
It was the Christmas mailbox. The little door opened and inside was a small cellophane bag filled with like 5 hard butterscotch candies. Because, lets’ face it….what mom wouldn’t want this? I mean, after 15 years or so of child rearing, 3 childBIRTHS and being a stay at home mom….really….ceramic knick-knacks are soooo just what we’d want, right? AND… they are the gift that keeps giving…cuz you have to keep dusting the effing things! That mailbox was my nemesis. Every time I walked past it, it made me want to do bodily harm to my husband. I cringed.
I remember asking him that Christmas evening….”So, where did you get all this stuff?”
Happily and with pride he answered, “Walgreens!”
Then there’s the gifts that I CAN use. Clothing. *sigh* There’s the lovely pink garb I got one year. Head to toe, the same color pink. I looked like a frickin huge bottle of Pepto Bismol. Each item wasn’t bad on it’s own, but combined? I could have been a walking advertisement for stomach aches. Ironically that pink garb DID fit me. Normally he buys the wrong sizes. At first I was flattered that he thought I was smaller than I was. Then I realized he just didn’t look at stuff when he shopped. Size 5 slippers. (I wear a 7). Size extra small sweater (yeah, maybe in 1980), how about a kids size 10 winter coat?
Last year I told him we weren’t getting each other anything. Then I shopped for the both of us and wrapped mine from him. And on Christmas morning…I got a camera! It was a lovely gift!
By the way, that pink sweater? I do wear it (without the hat, gloves, and matching socks) on occasion. In fact, I’m wearing it in my pic in the sidebar. Oh, and later on yesterday….after ‘the conversation’…I did add something to the list. Underwear. And again, I have to be specific. “Not sexy. Regular old underwear. It’s not for YOU, it’s for ME. Size 7. Don’t buy single ones on the rack…buy a package. They come in a 6 pack. Comfy ones. Not frilly. Not skimpy. JUST. Underwear. Big girl panties.”
Yeah. I’ll letcha all know how that works out.
So tell me, what’s the worst gift you got from your spouse/significant other?
